Time goes faster than your watch.

The sky is faded, fading still. I’m sitting on the couch staring out the window at the soft purple-grays of sunset, the clouds just swirls & wisps & half hearted last efforts, echoes of yellow blue. I love twilight…not the book, the phase. There are some nights when I feel like rain & some days when I feel like sun, but tonight? Tonight, I’d rather lace fingers with twilight & slip slowly away into darkness.

I think it’s because I’m feeling old again, old & blue around the edges, all tainted & worn & stained through by age beyond how old I really am. I’ve been thinking about who I used to be too often. How I can never fully be that bright or that golden, that burst & that light & that naive. I’ve grown up, not completely, but more than I was. It’s been a mixture of hurt & a baby & college, of learning & mistakes & lethal, lovely friendships. I’m never going to be that young again, never a teenager, never that glaringly, violently brilliant blue sky or that painful sun. I’m done. It’s over. I resign to the end of an era. I am someone else & I haven’t decided if I am okay with that or not.

That’s what twilight is, you know? Sunset is the finale of the battle, the last push of the day. Twilight is the peace treaty. It’s not an entirely negative experience…it’s more a soft whisper, a nostalgia, the slightest upward tilt of the lips in a smile. A wearied, drawn out acceptance of the night, threading through each cloud. Twilight is a faded glory. Oh, faded, but a glory nonetheless.

I guess that;s what makes us different. I don’t know if I’ll ever really accept the world the way it is…I think that’d be too much like admitting defeat, & that’s where my indecisiveness kicks in. I’d rather stay here, right now, in this stillness & in this quiet & in this moment, this flow & this ebb, this slow, beautiful yearning. I’m not ready for the night yet. Maybe someday I’ll give in, give up, let go, but not today.

& as for right now my soul is purple gray & undecided, & I haven’t decided if I am okay with that or not.

But then again, isn’t that where the beauty lies? Somewhere in between…